My Story

I was born in Maitland, Florida – a small suburb north of Orlando into a family of intellects and musicians. My grandfather was a presbyterian minister who wrote hymns for the church. My mother sang, always laughing (when she was well), very clever, authentic and a genius. My father was an accomplished jazz musician who played piano, wrote his own score, and had his own band that gigged in Orlando and throughout the Space Coast in the 60’s through the 80’s. He was also on televised local shows and telethons. It was only natural that I would be artistic and musically inclined.

My mother introduced me to language as well as the theater. I was awarded children’s singing roles in the local musical productions of Oliver, The King and I, and The Music Man.

I loved to go with my dad to the jazz clubs and lay under the piano listening to his father’s band. I also would guest sing from the age of 7 in his trios and telethons. I was in the spotlight from an early age.

As a teenager in high school I joined a band with local friends – Alter Ego. We toured in Florida, Georgia and eventually an international stop in Mexico. I was writing music and lyrics for the band to play. I was the lead vocalist. I happened to write most of the songs, because I was already writing my own songs. It wasn’t long until our band was warming up for national acts that came to Orlando – like Marilyn Manson, Glass Tiger and the Psychedelic Furs.

It was during this time I was leading two lives. One as the straight lead singer of a rock band and one as a gay man caring for his dying partner at home, unbeknownst to anyone but his family. This dual life was incredibly taxing and draining on me.

Eventually, I had to leave my band to dedicate full time care to my first dying husband. The pressure became too much as I would watch not one, but three husbands, in succession, pass from AIDS in less than a decade. I also witnessed many friends succumb to the disease. I was also juggling bills, broke, stressed from being a partner, nurse, and more. There was added pressure through the in-laws arguing over my partner’s wills and material property. As a result, my own musical career went on hold and I dropped out of college as my husband was dying.

I worked part time jobs to make ends meet.

I was diagnosed in 1993 with AIDS after my third partner passed from AIDS. I tested positive in 1992. I took HIV medications on and off for several years. Medications back then were more toxic (AZT) and so powerful they put me into dark mental places with severe psychical side effects. AIDS, at that time was defined as having less than less 450 t-cells.

On my healing journey, I was called within to an Eastern perspective – meditations, yoga, and peacefulness. And for several years I did quite well. But a series of accidents and illnesses slowly chipped away at my health (broken collar bone, fistula, pneumonias, basal cell cancers, depression, weakness, and waning concentration) which left me unable to work. I went on disability.

I wrote music throughout my journey, and also my first book “From Suffering to Soaring”: a book pointing towards my awakening epiphany.

I wrote music during those dark times not only to record my mind and life, but also aimed at helping others awaken. Despite the experienced horrors, music still brought joy to my heart. A sonic balm. I started HIV medications when I was first diagnosed. After several years on them I felt better and stopped the HIV medications.

I was feeling better so I went back to work part time and started to enjoy life again. No th9ought of HIV. I was able to travel and sing at local churches. But eventually the rug was pulled out from under me as he I was not able to concentrate and had bouts of incontinence. I slowly lost my ability to speak as walking became more and more difficult. I was burning with fevers nightly. I was incredibly stubborn. I refused to take HIV meds, even after several doctors begged me to start back on medications to save his life. In retrospect, this was not the best decision. But, the illness had clouded my judgement.

His experiences on them were terrible and numbing. At this time his T cell count was zero.

After a 44th birthday vacation to his family (I was living in Royal Oak, MI and traveled back to Orlando) and I had no choice, he needed help so I agreed with my husband to take HIV medications again as my life seemed depended on it. I was admitted to the hospital back in Michigan where the doctors were perplexed with my case and called around the country for advice. I had a mysterious encephalitis – which has symptoms similar to a Stroke. This Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI) debilitated me. I could no longer walk or talk. My left arm pulled tightly to my chest; I was crumbling. I started medications and they seemed to help him gain some strength. After a week’s stay in the hospital, he was released to a rehab facility for 3 weeks of intense therapy (occupational, physical, and speech). I was released to go home and worked tirelessly on exercises to increase my range of motion and lift my spirits. I attempted music, but the keyboard was no longer my friend, computer programs were not understandable, and my concentration was gone. I slowly had to build up my voice to talk due to the effects of Aphasia. Singing was difficult and took years (which I am still attempting to get back to my former self) and may never be able to. I work on digital art which I share and sell to keep my mind busy and keep the creative flow going.

I joined church choirs, and a Kirtan group for joy, community, and continued therapy.

I chant, writes songs, design art and items under his pseudonym 'giving gear' brand to support world needs. I create websites and make music videos.

All I experience is one momentum of love now.

I love nature and gardening. Helping others and life.

I don't know anything other than this very moment.

I am to feel grateful and enjoy a simple live. I am happy living in the moment.

www.brokenopen.help